South Wales Evening Post - 10 November 2006
"LIGHTS, camera - action!"
Top television producer Tyssul D Pavies is back in his home city of Swansea to shoot another exciting TV re-make following his smash-hit success with Doctor Watt.
Remember hilarious 1970s sit-com On the Buses, starring Reg Varney and crew? Well, Tyssul D's bringing it back with a new cast, new scriptwriters, new location, and a new name to give it a 21st Century feel!
On the Bendy Buses it's now called, and Tyssul has just finished filming the very first episode.
And as a special thank-you to Swansea, he's kindly agreed to let me share with you the plot!
The action starts at the new bus waiting area in The Kingsway, where a crowd of bigwigs is eagerly anticipating the very first journey aboard the very first bendy bus.
All the big names are there - First Minister Rhodri Morgan, played by Worzel Gummidge, Assembly Transport Minister Andrew Davies, played by Kevin Johns, and Swansea Council leader Chris Holley, played by Owen Money.
"I thought they said they'd spent millions doing up this street," said one invited guest to another. "So why are the shops all shut?"
"All aboard now, ladies and gentlemen. The bendy bu . . . er, the StreetCar is about to depart," shouts the familiar figure of Inspector Blakey - and the man playing him is an even more familiar figure, albeit it a new role, because it's none other than council leader Chris Holley himself!
Ding, ding, and the bendy bus is away on its inaugural journey, a one-off round trip to Mumbles. At the wheel is Driver Stan Butler, played not by Reg Varney but by our very own councillor David Phillips, leader of the opposition Labour Group.
"Oi - Holley . . . er, Blakey," he shouts into the PA, with a wink to a couple of his passengers.
"Do you want me to stop at the Quadrant bus station or what?"
Blakey goes into one of his trademark panics.
"Quadrant, Butler? Quadrant? What do you mean, stop at the Quadrant? How can we stop at the Quadrant? The bus station's closed. You know that. It's closed."
"Sorry, chief, I was forgettin'. Course it is. You had to flog the site off sharpish to pay for the overspends at Service@Swansea, the leisure centre and the stadium."
"I'm warning you, Butler . . . you keep your eye on the road. Now, a few technical details for you, ladies and gentlemen, about the bendy StreetCar bus . . ."
In no time at all the bus is trundling round the bay, greeted by waves and smiles from all who see it.
"This should be good," they say one to another. "You wait."
Minutes later and the bendy bus approaches Mumbles. "Where do I go now, Blakey?" says Butler on the PA.
"Wha . . . wha . . . whaddya mean, Butler, wh . . . wh . . . where do you go?"
"Where do I go to turn round?"
"Turn round? I, er, I never . . . um, er, er, I didn't think of . . . er, Oystermouth Square, Butler! Turn the bus round in Oystermouth Square, and be quick about it!"
"I don't think Mr Evans would like that, chief," says Butler, braking to a halt in front of a grim-faced Bryan Evans standing at the entrance to the square.
"You're not bringing that thing in here," says the Mumbles businessman. "Not after all the grief you've given me. And good at U-turns as you are, Inspector Blakey, there's nowhere else in Mumbles you can do one. You'll just have to reverse the bus all the way back to Swansea."
"Butler . . ."
"No can do, Blakey, mate, no can do."
"Why not?"
"The first two bendy buses from Morriston have just come up behind me, blocking the Mumbles Road for thousands of yards behind.
"Bendy buses are just buses, Blakey," he chortles. "And just like your calamities, they come along in threes."
